"A woman is often measured by the things she cannot control. She is measured by... the way her body curves or doesn’t curve, by where she is flat or straight or round. She is measured by 36-24-36 and inches and ages and numbers, by all the outside things that don’t ever add up to who she is on the inside. And so if a woman is to be measured, let her be measured by the things she can control, by who she is and who she is trying to become. Because as every woman knows, measurements are only statistics, and STATISTICS LIE." ~ Marilyn Monroe
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| Thanks, Marilyn!!! |
I've been thinking about how to blog about the topic of weight and body image. Being something that I have struggled with my entire life, it is a very personal and important topic to me! I can honestly tell you that I am one of those girls that has really never been comfortable in my own skin! I have had a hatred for my body, especially my stomach and thighs, for as long as I can remember. My Granny even tells me that my first words were "I'm fat"...how sad is that?
I would say that over my 37 years, I have spent the majority my time worrying about how fat I look, thinking about how gross I am, reminding myself about what I can't eat...then eating it anyway, worrying about what I should eat next, thinking that people probably do not like me because I am overweight, or that they think I am lazy because I am fat, and praying that I would have the willpower and strength to stop eating and exercise more and that someday I may be able to look at myself in a mirror without cringing! It is TERRIBLE and MISERABLE to live with these thoughts running through your head ALL of the time.
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| Good Advice!!! |
The really sad thing is, I look back at pictures from growing up and I was NOT fat. I was fit and muscular, but I never saw it that way. I all I saw was that I was BIG...bigger than all of the other girls! Now, I have never had small, thin thighs but I do finally realize that they were never as big and disgusting as I thought they were. A couple of years ago, I was watching an old home video and I was in a swimsuit on the lake...I could not believe it was me! I was so muscular...not fat at all! I do not ever recall looking like I looked in that video. I bet I rewinded it 10 times, watching it over and over again...thinking I spent time then thinking about how fat I was??? It was crazy... I was so confused! Did I really look like that? I couldn't have, because I NEVER saw myself like that! I alwasy thougth I was "messed up" as I like to say, but it made me realize that I DO have a problem with body image and eating. I began reading more about it and have been trying to change myself but it is so hard to stop when you have mentally beat yourself up for your entire life!
Here is a clip from that video...I say to myself, I would be so happy if i could look like that again. But would I really? Or would I still see all of the flaws...magnified...like I do now?
One day, reading about the topic, I ended up on Oprah's website. There was information about Geneen Roth and her book
"Women, Food & God". I saw where you could write in about your struggles with food and body image issues. So, I did! I ended up getting a call to be at the taping of the show...of all days...April 29th, my birthday! I took Vonda McConnell with me because, if you read her blog, you will know she struggles with food, too! Anyway, she told the people at Oprah it was my birthday, so they sat us down front. Which I was excited about at first, but when I realized Oprah saw me crying, I knew I was in trouble! WHY DID I HAVE TO CRY???
Many of you have seen me on Oprah...but many have asked me about it since I mentioned it in an earlier post, wanting to see it, so I decided I would post it on here. It is embarrassing...I look ridiculous...and oh it is AWFUL watching & listening to yourself talk and CRY on TV!
But anyway, here it is...I do say that I hate myself...and I want to clarify that I mean I hate my body. I don't feel that I completely hate myself...I do think that I have a few good qualities....like caring about others and I feel like I am pretty good mom! I have been told recently that I am compassionate...and I think that is a good thing! See, I can say a few positive things about myself! :)
To put it on here, I had to divide it up into several small clips...sorry! I know it is annoying! I could NOT figure out how to get the video from my iPod to the computer! So, this is the best I could do!
Here is a
link to read more about the show! And to see my lovely picture on the website...
So, there you've seen it. Me, embarrassing myself on national television! But I guess I can say that I "talked to Oprah", who I have loved and admired since I was a kid! Let me tell you that I was so nervous...and after the show, I looked at Vonda and asked, "What did I say????" It was like an out of body experience!
Like I said on the show, the worst thing about being this way is that I have passed my negative self talk on to my daughter! I always said to myself that if I ever had a little girl I would NEVER let that happen! And I thought I was careful...but I guess you can't hide your true self from your children! It's like they can see right through you...especially my kids who seem to be just like me and really pay attention to others and notice little things people say and do! So, I am working on changing my self talk, not just for me, but for my children!
So, how is that going?
Actually, not so well! I can do OK for a while but it is so hard for me to turn off that negative thought reel that plays in my head about my body, my eating, my exercise routine, how thin my friends are, how gross I am...it just keeps playing and playing...over and over! I am doing better at not saying things out loud and I guess that is a start! So, I will keep praying that God will help me through this and make me a better mom and role model for my children!
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| LOVE THIS!!!! |
It is so hard sometimes, isn't it? I feel like food can calm me...it helps when I am stressed or sad...it makes me feel even better when I am happy...it gives me something to do if I am anxious...it is a drug! I tell ya, if it wasn't for food and Diet Coke, I would be sitting in rehab somewhere because I would be addicted to alcohol, drugs or gambling! Really, I would! I guess, I'm lucky I have chosen "legal" drugs to self medicate...so I don't end up in jail...I just end up FAT...which is like being in a prison if you ask me!
I hope my candidness about this is not bothering you. I really feel like there are more people who feel this way than admit it. Some girls can just starve themselves when they feel sad, angry, or depressed! I just happen to eat! And I know many people think negative thoughts about their bodies...maybe not as often as I do, but I know it is common!
Why are we afraid to discuss it? I think it would be so helpful to just admit it and talk about how to make it better. Stop making it a big secret...we know it is an issue for so many!
I feel so sorry for young girls these days..the pressure to look perfect and be tall and thin comes from EVERYWHERE! With iPods, computers, TV...they can never get away from the perfect images that we are bombarded with daily in the media! And being a photographer, I know all too well just how airbrushed those photos are!
You want to know what is weird? I don't judge anyone else by their weight or body. Some of my very favorite people, the people I admire most are not anywhere close to society's image of what is beautiful! So, why does it matter if I am not??? When I think about it rationally, I think how stupid of me to judge myself by such unrealistic standards...but I guess the problem is I don't always think rationally, because I go right back to thinking that I am worthless because of how I look on the outside. Why can't I look at myself like I do others and love myself for having a kind heart and for being compassionate???
I am still a work in progress...and I will continue to write about my struggles with weight, eating and body image! And if I find any answers, I will be sure to share them because I know I am not the only female out there struggling with this awful battle!
Here is some info that I found online.....INTERESTING!
1. The average American woman is 5’4” tall and weighs 140 pounds. The average American model is 5’11” tall and weighs 117 pounds.
2. The average size of the “ideal” woman, as portrayed by models, has become progressively thinner over the years and has stabilized at around 20% below the average weight. This thin ideal is unachievable for most women. A 1995 study found that three minutes spent looking at models in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty, and ashamed.
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| I LOVE this! Sooo TRUE!!! |
3. It is estimated that 40-50% of American women are trying to lose weight at any point in time.
4. One out of every four college aged women has an eating disorder.
5. Almost half of all women smokers smoke because they see it as the best way to control their weight. Of these women, 25% will die of a disease caused by smoking.
6. At age thirteen, 53% of American girls are “unhappy with their bodies.” This grows to 78% by the time girls reach seventeen.
7. In a sample of male and female high school students, girls had higher body dissatisfaction scores than boys on all measures. Girls reported magazines as their primary source of information regarding diet and health. Boys reported their parents as their primary source of information. These are the typical messages girls can expect to get from women's magazines.
8. A majority of girls in a 1999 study (59 percent) reported dissatisfaction with their body shape, and 66 percent expressed a desire to lose weight. Only 29 percent of the girls were overweight.
9. At 5’9” tall and weighing 110 lbs, Barbie would have a BMI of 16.24 which is considered severely underweight. Because of her ridiculous proportions (39” bust, 18” waist, 33” thighs and a size 3 shoes!), if she was a real woman, she wouldn’t be able to walk upright – she would have to walk on all fours. Note that the target market for Barbie Doll sales are girls ages 3 to 12.
10. Nearly 11.7 million cosmetic surgical and nonsurgical procedures were performed in the United States in 2007. Women had nearly 10.6 million cosmetic procedures, 91% percent of the total.
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| Wish I would have had this attitude growing up! |
“A woman's sense of self and power should come not from the number of heads she can turn, but rather from the minds and hearts she can turn.” ― T. Heller
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| Now, this is the truth about me!!! |
OK...DEEP BREATH...DO I DARE POST THIS? I'VE BEEN DEBATING FOR DAYS! OH WELL, LET'S BE HONEST...
