Winning???

First, thanks for all of the feedback from the last blog, Youth Sports...let's be honest!  I am so happy to know that it has people thinking!  It honestly was not meant to be a negative post and I'm thankful that everyone saw it as positive...as a way to start to discussion on how our community can change the culture of our youth sports programs...which I believe can change the culture in our schools and the culture in our community as a whole!  We, as adults, teach our children how to treat others.  We may be preaching to the children that we should accept differences, treat other with respect, encourage everyone to be involved, etc. but what we actually do and how we actually treat others is what they see and how they learn to behave!
Reminds me of the saying, "Actions speak louder than words!"  And makes me think of our Little League. We can say that we have a "draft" in Little League to make the teams "fair"...but it always ends up that certain teams are "stacked"?  I do not for one second believe it "just happens"...it is planned...and little "rules" are adjusted each year so that certain coaches can get certain kids and certain men can coach together. It has never been about teaching all of the boys the fundamentals of baseball or working together to make it a positive experience for all involved.  It has never been about trying to divide up the pitchers and players so that each team has one or two kids that can pitch and at least throw the ball over the plate...so that there is actually game play during the games!  It has been about getting certain "special" kids together on one team so that they can "win"!  Just typing that sounds crazy, and hard to believe...but it happens!
I guess, I can't say never!  Last year in the minor league, I know that the coaches actually made an effort to split up the pitchers and helped to separate the teams evenly!  We actually didn't know who was going to win the games before they even started!  It was really fun to watch!  And the kids cheered each other on!  It was a great experience!

So, what about WINNING???

Is winning a bad thing? Is wanting to win a bad thing?

My answer to that is NO!!!  Winning, or the desire to win, is NOT a bad thing! 

What is bad about Winning?...as related to youth sports (13/14 & under)...

• being desperate to win
• winning at all costs mentality
• when winning or losing determines self-worth
• when winning is valued MORE than effort, sportsmanship, teamwork, or doing what is right
• when winning is the ONLY focus and determines if a game was a success...a team could play their best game ever and still lose...so is the entire game considered a failure?
• when youth are not given opportunities because of fear the team might lose if they play
• when kids are told they are "bad" or made to feel like failures for not winning a game

An anonymous reader commented and asked this...

 In early January of this year, President Obama welcomed the Dallas Mavericks to the white house to recognize them as the NBA champions. He was given a team jersey and told them how proud he was of the team and their success. I did not observe the second place team at that meeting. If winning is celebrated by the president and at the highest office in our country, how hard it it going to be to change the example in your own home town.
Looking forward to your response!

Here is my response...

I have no problem with celebrating winning...winning normally comes from a good work ethic, teamwork, practice, commitment, drive, talent, & perseverance. The exact things that I think youth sports should be teaching our children. I think great teams and examples of effort and teamwork should be celebrated...not worshiped, but acknowledged.
If, in our community we do not build up all children and give all of them equal opportunities, regardless of name & social status, we are not only hurting them, we are hurting the future of our school sports programs! How much better is a basketball team when they have 10 or 12 great players, instead of only 3 or 5? If you don't have strong practices and players pushing your starters to work to keep their spots, your team suffers. A perfect example of that is our state championship basketball team...they had a "deep bench"...they had key players coming in off the bench...they had developed the majority of the team, not just the few chosen ones!
If we want successful, winning sports programs in our community, we MUST get past the selfishness and the desire of our children to be "the best"! Our children will celebrate success and winning when they learn to be unselfish, want the best for their teammates, develop a strong work ethic, learn to encourage others, learn to be a good teammate and have fun playing! In my opinion, winning is not a negative thing...the desire and desperation to win at any cost and hurting people to ensure your child is the best is negative!


For those readers who may not know me, I have been told by a reader that I need to tell a little about myself and my sports background...as to let people know I am not just a disgruntled parent that wants my kids to be something I wasn't or a mom that has children who are not athletic at all, that have been mistreated and not allowed to play.  Neither of those is the case.  I played volleyball and was a setter on a Shelbyville High School team that got 2nd in State.  I played on a successful club team throughout high school. I also played 4 years at Millikin University as the starting setter...I won many awards and was even named a Division III All-American my senior year.  I coached one year at SHS and took the team to State (even after being told we would not win half of our games!) and was named Herald & Review Coach of the Year. I coached at Lake Land College one year before I got pregnant with Bart!  And I have also coached a club team and helped with various teams over the years. But none of the awards matter to me and I rarely tell anyone that information...what matters to me are the fun times I had with my teammates and the relationships I formed both with players and coaches!  What matters to me are the letters I have gotten from old coaches, old teammates or players I coached. When I get letters from players I coached telling me that they learned so much from...more than just volleyball, I always cry!  That is what it is all about!

Also, my three children are fairly athletic, they enjoy sports (sometimes) and if they want to play that is great with me but I don't care what sports they choose...I just want them to be active, work hard, enjoy it and have fun!  Yes, they have had some negative experiences along the way in our youth programs but those are not the reasons for my concern.  My concern is more general and for those kids that can not speak up for themselves or who have parents who won't or can't for fear of how they will be treated, for fear of their jobs (yes, their jobs!) and out of fear that their children will be treated even worse.  And trust me, I have spoke up before about these issues...I understand their concern all to well!  People who encourage elitism in sports DO NOT like to be called out and don't like others to point out what is really going on!

So, back to winning...I am all for it!  Like I said yesterday, I am very competitive...I love a close, competitive game...but there is a time and place for it...and youth sports is not that place!!! Once children get into school sports, especially high school, I am OK with playing to win...not at any cost, but working together to win through good work ethic, hustle, practice, teamwork, setting goals, etc!

I believe the teams I played on and coached were successful for the following reasons:

• GOOD WORK ETHIC...practicing hard..giving 100% at all times
• believing we would win every time we walked in the gym...confident, not arrogant
• wanting success for and encouraging our teammates
• Playing TOGETHER as a TEAM!
• NO concern for who got the credit...no concern about stats! ( I hate stats!)
• WE HAD FUN!!!
• We discussed character and being good people and good teammates, not just good players
• Coaches who demanded RESPECT and hard work!
• Parents who wanted success for ALL players
• Parents who supported the coaches
• Parents who didn't blame others for losses or take all credit for wins
• Parents that encouraged and supported the TEAM and didn't see their child as deserving special treatment
• Coaches who cared and wanted us all to do well
• NEVER had a coach who was a parent of a child on the team!!!  BINGO!!
• Players that LOVED the game and WANTED to be there...were not forced by parents!
• We were not players...WE WERE PLAYERS!!! (insert fist pumps!)  We played HARD!
• Had no sense of entitlement just because we were good!
• Set goals and did NOT give up on them!
• Had the support of the school and community!!!  Critical point!
• Players who worked to improve themselves...we wanted it!  Not our parents...we did!

So, there ya go...more to think about!  I am still reading and finding out more and more interesting information!  I think tomorrow's blog will be interesting!  I will have some links to some articles that will make you think!

I feel like I rambled today...what's new, right?
 I LOVE the feedback...even if you DON'T agree!  Keep it coming!  Discussion and sharing views is what starts change!!!  Posting without a final read through...yikes...ignore the mistakes!

Youth Sports...let's be honest

Well, here it is...the blog where I start stating my opinion...and most likely ticking people off. My intention isn't to make someone mad...or to single any one person out. My intention it to get EVERYONE to THINK...to use your BRAIN and CONSIDER what we are supporting and encouraging in our youth. My intention is to make you FEEL...to use your HEART and CONSIDER other peoples feelings. Then use both your mind and your heart to take a long look at what we have been "teaching" the children in our community and what society has been teaching to youth all over this country. Before I get started, I want to state that I realize there are far more important things in life to worry about like education, health, poverty, cancer...the list goes on. But lately, youth sports (and when I say "youth", I am referring to age 13 and under) has been on my mind and I have being doing a lot of thinking, a lot of discussing, and a lot of research about the effects of youth sports on children, looking at the positives and negatives and looking at what could be done differently to make it better for everyone involved. Much of what I am going to share with you, is NOT just my opinion, but the opinion of educators, researchers, & sport psychologists. I am NOT perfect and definitely NOT a perfect parent! I have made many mistakes in my life...many mistakes as a coach...and many more mistakes as a parent. I can't change that and I can't deny it...but I can work to do better in the future! I can educate myself, I can learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of others, and I can pray and ask God to help me see where I am doing wrong or witnessing wrong-doing and to stand up and do what is right!
I want to say that I LOVE sports! I love to play almost anything! I love to watch almost any sport! I appreciate athletic ability and I really value amazing work ethic and teamwork! I love that when I played volleyball, I made some lasting friendships, not only with teammates but with my coaches. I have some wonderful memories that I will always hold dear to my heart! I learned so much from my coaches, not just about volleyball, but about working to reach my goals, being a team player, and about being a better person off of the court. I had teammates who wanted the best for each other and who realized that in order to be a great team, we all had to do our best, accept our role, work together and that when we did those things, it would be FUN and we would BE SUCCESSFUL!! Overall, being involved in sports was a very positive experience for me! I think that is why I really struggle with our youth sports programs today! The positive aspects of sports seem to be slipping away...quickly!

Just like the show "Toddlers & Tiara's", I could see a show titled "Boys & Balls"...the parents on "Toddlers & Tiaras" are exactly like the many desperate parents involved in youth sports today! That may sound funny...but if you stop and think, it is TRUE, sad but true!! It is the same thing!!

Since my oldest son, Bart, who is now almost 14, started playing soccer and t-ball 10 years ago, I have been confused, concerned, down right aggravated and overall completely disappointed in how the youth programs are handled in our community. Flag football is the ONLY program where each child was treated as equal and important. Every child was taught the same things, worked with all of the coaches, and were given chances to play different positions. When teams were divided up to play games, they were divided up as fairly as possible and the teams didn't stay the same. Certain children were not made out to be "the stars" or viewed as more important than the others! It seemed to be a great experience for all involved...learned some basics, played the game and had FUN!

My concern with most youth sports programs is that we are teaching the following to the kids:

-to win at all costs...even if that means cheating, lying, excluding, stacking teams, hurting others.

-you are only valuable if you are the best

-if you lack athletic ability, then you lack worth.

-if your team wins, then you are better than others and deserve special treatment

-if your dad is in charge of the league then you are guaranteed to get the best team and play the best positions, with all your friends. (found a article about exactly that...sounds very familiar!!!)
-that when you get the best players on your team you really don't have to work hard...you just show up and automatically win because that is how it the league has been set up. So, a strong work ethic is never developed but a since of entitlement is!

-that we are discouraging kids from continuing to play because they lose every game, feel like failures, and see that only "the stars" or certain kids are really important...due to how adults set up the teams and handle the leagues. Which in turn leads to low numbers in school sports because kids have already quit and decided they do not like sports BEFORE they get to 7th grade!

-that everyone is your competition and that you shouldn't want them to succeed, otherwise, you might not be the best. Which leads to LACK of TEAMWORK once they get to school sports because they see their teammates as competition...as someone standing in their way of being the best. I actually believe I have witnessed kids play who would rather lose a game, than see their teammates be successful. How sad is that??

-because that being the best is ALL that matters. NOT your effort, your hustle, your attitude, your improvement...

- that playing sports is NOT about having fun, NOT about working together as a team, NOT about encouraging one another, NOT about improving and mastering skills, NOT about enjoying good competition...it is only about WINNING at ANY COST, making yourself look good and degrading anyone that might be better than you or not as talented as you!!

-that if you lose you are a failure...and that your less valuable. I see many parents that seem to feel their own self-worth is determined by their child's athletic performance. Talk about pressure on a child! Makes me feel badly for them! ( I've been guilty of this, when Bart was young, but I learned quickly! Thankfully!)

Is that really what we want to teach our children? Not me!!! So, I feel like I spend extra time at home trying to reteach them and discuss what is really important and how to be a good teammate and have good sportsmanship! I will admit that I am very competitive. I believe that if you are going to play...you PLAY and you HUSTLE! You always give 100% and never settle for less than YOUR best! But I would rather play a great competitive game, against a great team and lose, than play a bad team and win easily...what fun is that? Playing on equal teams, when you don't know before hand who is going to win, is much more fun, exciting, and much of a learning experience for all! And making it a fun, exciting, learning, growing experience is what it is all about! That's why we love playoffs and big games...watching great competition is fun!

I was listening to a podcast through the Positive Coaching Alliance and the discussion was questioning if youth sports really build character...that is a very debatable question. I believe that sports mainly reveal character...and may shape character in a positive or negative way. It all depends on the coach and the culture of the programs. If children play in programs that encourage the values listed above, positive character is not going to be developed. Children coming out of these programs will likely have bad attitudes, a since of entitlement, lack of respect, lack of teamwork and a poor work ethic. Exactly opposite of what most people hope are the character building benefits of being involved in sports.


"It is amazing how much you can accomplish when it doesn't matter who gets the credit."

This brings me to another issue that I have been reading about...Elitism in youth sports. What is that exactly? Well, let me just share with you some points from a man named Scott Lancaster....
Here is a link directly to the article...


He states that elitism in youth sports/travel teams cause the following...

- not providing proper Athletic/Skill development

- unfairly and prematurely judging their ability and potential

- taking away valuable time on town fields & facilities for a handful of chosen ones

– ultimately destroying your town’s future success at the high school level.

Lancaster says that PARENTS are the main cause of the problem...

We have allowed a universe of parents to ruin sports for kids. A universe that most likely experienced little or no athletic success themselves. A selfish universe that doesn’t care about other kids in their community, and feel their children are entitled to play on elite teams over others. This group of ignorant souls are relieved when their child’s competition is whittled away and told there not good enough to make a team before they’ve reached puberty. Everyone, this is the harsh reality of today’s youth sports experience.

Unfortunately the trend is getting worse rather than better. When parents do ask why there is only “one travel team per town per age group” and why there cannot be “multiple travel teams of the same age from the same town equally divided talent wise” they’re denied. Their reason, “we need to be competitive when we play other towns”. In other words, it’s more important to win a 9 year old travel team game than it is to unselfishly develop many more athletes with a passion to play.

If you’re a high school coach with any sense of athletic and program development experience you would put a stop to segregating kids before the age of 14, and allow all kids the opportunity to develop equally. Let’s face the true reality, the kids you see on Select /Travel Teams now will most likely not be starring or playing in high school. Ultimately Travel/Select Teams build false hope among entitled parents at the expense of destroying many other kids hopes to play with their friends and develop athletically.

If you’re a town administrator or athletic director, it should be your responsibility to put a stop to elitism in sports. The results would be the opportunity to keep more kids involved and active therefore cutting down on the many bad things that happen when active options are taken away from kids.

If you’re a parent of a child on a travel/select team you’ll selfishly glance right past this issue, but if your a parent that has young children not yet involved in organized sports, this is your opportunity to fix it now, and demand change. If THAT ARTICLE DOESN'T MAKE YOU STOP AND THINK...NOTHING WILL!!!!

As mature, educated adults, especially those of us who call ourselves Christians, we should to want to provide positive experiences for EACH child who wants to play youth sports!

to be continued....I will be writing about and sharing more information on the topic of youth sports all week...and anytime I find interesting information! Hopefully, finding alternatives, answers and suggestions for improving the win at all costs, elitism culture of youth sports!

And last but not least, I do have the best of intentions and I want what is best for all kids, so if you don't like what I have to say or the information I share, you don't have to read my blog and you don't have to click on the links! If any of the comments or information offend you, maybe you should ask yourself why? None of this should upset you, if you have truly had no part in cultivating the culture of elitism in youth sports!

Coach Dean Smith to Michael Jordan in his freshman year at UNC"
Michael, if you can't pass, you can't play."